Q: “how to fuck yourself without people hear(ing)” A: Noise only results from motion, so when people hear you they’re actually hearing you moving. Assuming a person either isn’t a “screamer” or can control their moans of pleasure the most likely things to be heard are breathing, which for most people will speed up in the throes of passion if nothing else, and of course the actual motions of masturbation. I will propose various situations, their problems, and possible workarounds.
Let me start by saying that the fewer moving parts the better. So obviously this means vibrators that rotate in 3 places and spin beads around inside are a bad choice, regular dildos or solid vibrators that are turned off are better, and your own hands are the ideal unless it takes you a particularly long time to obtain orgasm. If you can get off in 1-3 minutes with a vibrator but it takes you 10-30 minutes manually then it might be worth risking the vibe. Just try to get one that’s quieter, short of being able to view and hear them in action (which some parlors let you do) I have a few guidelines. The weaker the motor the lower the strength and generally the quieter it will be. Also if it’s made of a particularly thick or absorbent/flexible material like some kind of proprietary “jelly” that can dampen noise to some extent. And as I said don’t get one that has a bunch of crap going on like say, The Rabbit Pearl, there’s no way that isn’t noisy as hell. If someone can assure me it’s not then I’ll correct this but there is still no way it makes no noise with all that motion going on. Of course this vibrator talk is aimed at women, but don’t be afraid to get in on the act of insertion too guys. Actually male sex toys are basically reverse dildos where you stick the penis into something and stroke with it, or optionally vibrate, so they aren’t particularly noisy if you don’t turn them on. I understand that the Fleshlight is popular, just don’t think anyone will really think it’s a flashlight for more than a few seconds.
Other than tools the consideration for “less moving parts” also applies to location. If you’ve got a rickety old mattress or unsteady bed frame in an upper level room next to a wall… You can imagine right? Similarly a lot of people don’t realize it but they’ll move their feet and toes in particular during the act. For the most part this really doesn’t make that much noise and you can possibly control your thrashing like you can control your breathing but it’s something to be aware of.
The last general tip is to have some interference noise but this is a double edged sword. If you’re standing next to (or for that matter sitting on) a running washing machine then likely no one will hear you over it, but you won’t hear anyone else either. In our world today people usually have a heater or air conditioner or fan of some sort or another running which just might create enough noise to block out the sounds of “fucking yourself”. So you can wait for these opportunities. Running water is always an option and similarly the most popular place for women to get off in the urban world is in the shower with a shower massager (that’s the one with the tube that you can grab and move wherever, not a simple head with different settings that calls itself a massager). The clever plan of most teen aged boys on the other hand is to “spank while mom is in the shower”. This is actually a pretty effective strategy, while someone is in the shower they’re not going to hear you pounding one out. Mothers be aware of this! Your little boys are in their room beating off every chance they get. Do NOT go in without not only knocking but also waiting to be told to enter. And if your son has suddenly started doing his own laundry all the time it’s because he’s washing the jizz out and doesn’t want you to see it. I think the upcoming generation of girls is getting in on the fun too now that the female orgasm isn’t the taboo it once was but I also think that young ladies have better ways to spend their time. I could be wrong, but in any case it never hurts to give someone a moment and save everyone from trauma or at least bruised feelings of invaded privacy. Another note about any situation where there’s noise, you need to get off as soon as possible to avoid visual discovery rather than the auditory that you’re worried about. This especially applies to the shower as people will wonder if you’re in there for an hour. But whatever you have to do.
As to scenarios, the most common one is that of cohabitation whether with room mates or family. If you live in different rooms it’s not that big of a deal as long as you’re aware of where and what anyone else is up to and how much noise you’re making. This is the time when interference noise is good. In fact you might take any opportunity to create more noise in the rooms of others, like buying fans or noise machines for people as appropriate. Some humidifiers even are a bit noisy, get creative. Depending on the layout of the house (mine has a shitty one) you might be able to run the clothes or dish washer and the clothes dryer and have it mask the noise. This isn’t going to help you much if you’ve got a squeaky bed and
floor and the person you don’t want to hear you is in the room below you though. In that case your best option is to wait until there is a totally pervasive noise or the other(s) are occupied in some way that they won’t hear you. Probably the risk of discovery during masturbation in cohabitation is a large part of the thrill of it.
Moving on we have the most difficult situation of inhabiting the same room, or even the same bed, as someone else and wanting to masturbate. By muting or fixing your breathing (either follow a 3-5 second rhythm or open your mouth as wide as possible and breath as gently as possible, breathing through the nose makes too much noise) and restricting your motion it can be possible if you’re sure the other person is asleep or occupied. But the best bet has to be to just do it in a situation where no one is around to hear. Depending on how close you are the risk is greater that you’ll be felt rather than seen or even heard. You can try some sort of dampening measures if you want, just remember to thoroughly test everything out before going at it. Remember Murphy’s Law “anything that can go wrong, will”. That doesn’t mean that things are doomed to failure, it just means that you can only move so much before shaking a bunk bed. Animals in general are very sensitive to motion, and therefore noise, so watch out. Maybe fish can’t hear? I’m not sure about that one. But I don’t think they have vocal chords either so that would make sense. Remember that whales and dolphins are mammals. The classification for such is supposedly “live birth” but that seems to be just one phase of things.
Other situations where you might feel like masturbating and don’t want to be discovered are in public for the most part. It’s actually not that hard to avoid discovery as long as you’re covered up and there’s some kind of noise. Although rather than doing anything manually I would recommend some kind of placeable vibrating sex toy. If you’re daring then your panties just might hold in a vibrator, but it wouldn’t be a bad idea to tape it in place or just buy a specifc unit. There’s all kinds of stuff out there I assure you. And there’s really no way to know whether that person standing or sitting next to you on the bus or train/trolley/subway is getting off since those are all so noisy as to mask out the noise. Look for motion if you’re curious. The person’s behavior might seem strange as well. But hardened exhibitionists like that can be impeccable. Other than transit it’s either school or the workplace for most people. As a general rule of thumb the more people there are present the more variables there are in the situation and the likelier your chance of being discovered. However there’s a certain line where you need enough people that all attention won’t be fixed on you. I’d say between 6-10 is the minimum. Although depending on the setting even if someone notices you they might not say anything. School in particular is not a bad option. People tend to be more interested in what others are doing during work, or more like they’re less interested in what they’re doing so they check out others. The real issue is proximity rather than anything else.
AH! I suppose there are two scenarios I didn’t cover. In front of the computer or tv. I think that incidental visual discovery is a greater concern if you’re in the open but as a general rule of thumb have the volume low or off. This can be suspicious if you usually have the volume up. Quite suspicious. So you can attempt to mask the lack of volume for your activity with something else. On the computer this is a lot easier since you can just have the volume off on the porn and put some music on or whatever else. In front of the tv, if you’ve just got everything stand alone hooked to the tv it’s a problem but if you have a receiver or whatever you can cross the sound cables. Depending on the situation you may or may not need to change them around each session to keep people off track but it varies. This is neither here nor there but on my old one it had two component video inputs but only one corresponding audio input for some inconceivable reason. So I had the sound hooked up from my dvd player even though both it and my PS2 were hooked up. I didn’t mind much since I generally prefer to listen to my own music rather than game music (game music can be good, the problem is the presentation, maybe some day they’ll just keep the background music running even during fights in rpgs, actually they might have done that in FFXII just because of its system… but I still listened to my own music anyway and never finished that game) but that’s how I got the idea. Actually you could possibly be in a similar situation with video capable game units and video units. Back to the computer though, get in the habit of listening to music all the time. This will cover your noises, although again it will cover anyone approaching as well so hurry up about it.
In conclusion, the best way to disguise masturbation is to cultivate some sort of habit that masks it. Always leaving a hand under your desk, running a fan (hell if your computer’s fan is noisy enough it might work), doing laundry at night, taking your shower after your room mate, keeping to yourself, things like that.
And remember, if you’re not having fun then it’s not worth it.
