But before I get to my topic which can be summarized simply by saying “if you want to be good at cooking then simply follow the directions of recipes without doing more or less than specified” this one was too good to resist:

Q: “Can you cause exsanguination (death from blood loss) by cutting off a penis?” A: Technically yes but most likely not under “normal” circumstances. If a rat bastard like John Bobbit could survive having about half his penis cut off only to get it reattached after hours of surgery then that should tell you something. Also do not be fooled by thinking that Hostel 2. If you’re really determined to murder someone that way it’s possible, but most likely it would not be possible for a person to commit suicide that way. As to the method…

DISCLAIMER: This is entirely a work of satire, do not try this unless you’re a terrorist trying to send a message. If you include this in a story and make any money off of it please give me some.

To cause exsanguination (supposedly “exsanguinate” just means bleed out so…) of the penis I propose a relatively simple but particularly grisly strategy that actually executing would require persistent determination and would get you executed or put away forever in any part of the world regardless of circumstances. First of all the victim needs to be dosed with large amounts of blood thinners/anti-blood clotting agents. There are more of these than you think but the simplest thing to do would be to get pills for erectile dysfunction. Anyone anywhere can get a hold of these but there are more sophisticated medications that members of (counter)intelligence or law enforcement agencies in governments could acquire, probably even custom tailored for the purpose.

As to the second step, rather than just lopping the penis off from the base, including the testicles, which in all likelihood probably would be enough to cause death (a normal cut should cause death eventually if a person’s blood can’t clot) do this instead. Get the penis erect and then slice across part of the artery, or cut the head off. Continue to cut or chop until death, it will happen eventually. Using this method it would probably be possible to cause death even without the blood thinners.

Just to mention it, the lack of fortitude to cut into oneself repeatedly is the main reason for “failure” when attempting suicide by exsanguination. But if you add blood thinners/anti-coagulation agents to the mix (getting really drunk and taking aspirin (both of which decreases the blood’s ability to clot but you’re more likely to die of alcohol poisoning before your blood is saturated enough with alcohol to not clot at all anyway) isn’t enough) and really get a sense of where your veins are and actually manage to wound it critically enough, your chances of “success” increase exponentially. Well again this would apply to trying to kill someone. But if you want to kill someone you usually don’t need that complex of a strategy. Just stab them a bunch of times (10+ deeply 50+ if only shallow wounds are inflicted) or strangle them (for 5 minutes). Well really death is a pretty simple thing, stop the brain from receiving blood and/or oxygen for long enough (it doesn’t take that long) and any animal I’m familiar with will die.

I don’t really think it’s good to hurt others though so don’t do it.

Ah this probably isn’t the best time to write about risotto but I’m already here right? This is my diversity. Well, my risotto did not turn out at all. And the reason is simple; the only thing that I used which it called for was black pepper. I think the main issue was using the wrong type of rice. The end result, though pretty simple, still tasted really good. But in that case I’d have been better off just cooking rice in broth and smearing margarine on it. In fact you might be too. Risotto is pretty involved. It’s enjoyable only until things start sticking (I don’t use non-stick to “cook”), after which it became an exercise in futility. Had I used my uhh “stirring spatula” (I have forgotten the term for this device, probably it’s actually a scraper but it works really well for stirring rice) I probably would have been better off. Unfortunately. Unfortunately I say, I had used it earlier to make a mocha banana cream pie and didn’t feel like washing it. So I used a large metal spoon, even a smaller wooden spoon or a table spoon (which is what I resorted to in the end) would have been better.

It has been said that the downfall of the learning cook is trying to do too much with a recipe even though they actually have no idea what they’re doing. You see, people mistake the line of thinking “this is what I want to do” for “this is what I’m able to do”. A dose of optimism is necessary for a cook at any level. But if you want to do things right follow the recipe. I myself have a fair amount of kitchen knowledge, but you can only stray so far from a recipe before things blow up. Literally, like putting whole eggs in the microwave.

Well fresh from my risotto failure I am off to try making pizza for the first time. Can you tell that I’m not actually Italian? I probably don’t even like italian (things only warrant one capitalization at a time with me) food that much. But I was looking through some stuff and felt like doing things. The pizza was planned and I have all the ingredients and will therein likely go a lot better than the spontaneous risotto.

To end this ridiculous post, a fat cook is the most convincing person in the world. Not necessarily the most persuasive, or any good at persuading people for that matter. But is there anyone whose food you would believe in tasting more? That’s why so many popular tv chefs are fat. How much faith do you have in a skinny cook? If a fat guy was making something next to a skinny woman making something which one’s food would you be more inclined to try assuming they were both clean and didn’t say anything?