chocolate cake and vanilla manga Sunday, Feb 24 2008

I made a chocolate chocolate chip double layer cake with dark chocolate frosting recently. It was alright. No individual part of it was especially sweet since it was mostly dark chocolate, but combined the whole damn thing was just over the top. A lot of people like that though. I say that it’s a lot easier to have a cake that you cover in frosting turn out well aesthetically since you can kind of use the frosting like plaster. Of course if your frosting actually has the consistency of plaster then you’ve got a problem. I guess I prefer cakes to pies somewhat, but it’s more that I think it’s easier to make a cake properly than a pie. I’m not a huge fan of either though. I like candy actually, but I never make any myself. You’re better off eating fruit instead of candy and all that. Lately I just don’t eat much of either really.

It occurs to me that even though I often have some problem or another when making a cake, I have in fact never failed at it. I can’t say that for any other type of dish whether it’s desert or appetizer or main course. Does that mean that I’m good at making cakes or just that I’ve never tried making an especially difficult one? I did make that chiffon cake recently and that was quite a bit more involved than this chocolate cake but rather than being more difficult it just had a lot more steps. I’ve never tried to do anything extravagant with cakes, like doing special designs, shapes, or decorations. On the other hand I don’t see any real point in doing so. As long as it tastes good and doesn’t look like a pile of shit (I don’t remember what it was recently that I made that looked like liquefied feces but even though it tasted good that really spoiled it) then it’s fine.

So as you might have guessed by the title I had something to say about a manga series. However I have so little to say about it I felt that I might as well mention the cake first. Hmm yeah I’ve got something else to do so let’s bang this fucker out.

20th Century boys by Urasawa Naoki, a 22 volume seinen (apparently) manga series that sucks. It tries to trick you into think it’s good, like Death Note, by being extremely complex and convoluted. But as things wind down you suddenly realize that it’s awful. I don’t even fucking care if I spoil this series for you. The author cops out every step of the way. Various integral characters always get into some kind of trouble which should be fatal but they end out popping up later at just the right time. Most of the characters spend the series on the run in some form or another, however they don’t really hide out and it’s like they’re not being searched for. It’s just fucking ridiculous. Up until about the 17th volume of the series which I read a matter of years ago, I thought this was a great series. Whether my tastes changed or the course of the story changed in that time I can’t tell you. But I can tell you that reading the last 5 volumes of the work at this point, a little over a year after the series finished its serialization and had been released in its entirety in a collected form, I just thought it was terrible. In the first place even though Urasawa’s art style is fairly unique, it’s not that great. The stories are complex, and the characters are very human, but things just don’t quite add up. The only other work of his that I’ve seen in its entirety is “Monster” which is a much better series but it is also similar in that the story takes place over a fairly vast span of time compared to most manga series and involves a massive conspiracy. I thought that Monster was the better work but you can draw your own conclusions. Maybe I wouldn’t like it at this point either. A series that is similar to 20th century boys in that childhood events and relationships somehow result in strange conspiracies as adults is “Old Boy” although that work is more perverse and less pop-culture (20cb has a lot of stuff of references to 70s rock music in it).

Well in the end 20th century boys does not end and is continued in the series 21st century boys which I have not read. I don’t know whether I will or not. I honestly regret “finishing” this series so I wouldn’t recommend it to people in general. Although I can imagine people who like epic convoluted complex stories enjoying this work. But it’s just bullshit from start to finish. Absolutely.

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Italian rice sucks Sunday, Feb 24 2008

I actually meant to talk about my further experiments with Italian food in my previous entry but I got a little carried away and it just seemed better to separate things. I think you’ll agree.

So, I tried my hand at making risotto again and this time I used authentic arborio rice and just generally actually followed the recipe I had rather than substituting every single ingredient. And you know what? It turned out the way it was supposed to this time. Rice that was cooked a bit softer than “al dente”, a creamy consistency, and no fucking flavor. For all that the rice didn’t get done the last time I attempted risotto, to the point that I remarked that I’d have been better off just adding margarine to rice and boiling it in broth instead of water (in fact this is basically how I make “spanish rice”, only after boiling the water I bake it in the oven in a lidded casserole), actually making it correctly was a huge disappointment.

To be fair I made “basic risotto”, surely there are more exciting variations that MIGHT taste better. But the problem of arborio rice sucking and how much attention the dish needs when cooking isn’t something that you can do anything about. I frankly would rather have plain white rice of another variety than bother with risotto. Now presumably risotto was created as some sort of tasty accident using leftovers by someone trying to figure out how to cook rice by sauteing it. And the refinement of it is in a certain way genius. But it is so laborious a process that I can not endorse it.

So, the lesson to learn from my risotto exploit is that even if a dish is made up of various things you like, if it seems like it’s going to be too much of a chore to make then it probably is not going to be worth it for you to make it. Something else notable about risotto is that like chinese fried rice (which I imagine it being most comparable to culturally), it is not really a meal on its own. However unlike that dish which is easy to whip up and can be left on its own for a bit while you work on other dishes/a real main course, other than the simplest of dishes requiring the least input (you could probably make bollito misto at the same time if you’re good or can use both hands at once for separate tasks (which most people can’t)) risotto takes too much attention to allow you to do other things. So take a bathroom break BEFORE starting. That’s generally good advice for almost anything though, traveling, having sex, etc.

Well moving on I also tried making “Milanese style pork cutlets” recently. This is basically just your average fried pork cutlet; pound the pork as flat as you can, season it, dredge it in flour, dip in egg, coat in breadcrumbs with herbs (and grated parmesan cheese if you do cheese) mixed in, and fry it up for a few minutes each side in a pan with appreciably high sides. To be honest I shied on the oil and ended out burning the fried coating of the cutlets somewhat and therein smoking up the house quite a bit. Which is below ideal. Frying food like that might be the time to use a non-stick or otherwise coated pan or even pot. But even though smoking up the house marred the overall experience they turned out alright otherwise. In fact frying up the pork like that sealed up the juices of the cutlet. I’m not sure that I’ve ever had such juicy pork before.

Fried food is of course below ideal health wise, but this was a pretty light fry with olive oil and homemade bread crumbs (which is not worth it to try preparing when you’ve got a tiny food processor that smells like it’ll blow up every time you use it) and I ate it with some steamed broccoli rather than crisps or something so that balanced things out a little.

So my more or less successful second try at risotto means that the only Italian food I’ve tried making and have not succeeded at is pizza. Since I was able to beat risotto I’m tempted to challenge pizza again. I don’t want to lose against anything italian.

By the way you probably didn’t notice but there’s a reason that the only “oriental” foods I ever talk about making are fried rice and curry. That’s because those ARE the only oriental foods I can make. Actually contemporary japanese food is pretty simple, so I could probably make it, I think that “ton katsu” is basically the same thing as the milanese pork cutlet I just made for example, but I’m just not that interested. Anyway losing to oriental dishes is one thing and losing to occidental ones quite another. Yeah that god damned pizza… I might do it. I just might do it.

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fuck italian food Sunday, Feb 24 2008

Q: “what kind of methods should you use to “torture” a penis” A: For the sake of this question I am assuming that we are talking about BDSm play and not legitimate torture (which I have written about before anyway). So I would like to take this opportunity to say something about BDSm. I remember hearing once a credo for BDSm that was something like “always be safe, sane, and responsible”. There’s a lot I could say about the incongruity of people who either enjoy hurting or enjoy being hurt warning others to be safe and sane but hey, I’m all for both safety and sanity so I’m trying to make suggestions keeping that in mind. I would like to say that the main reasons to follow that motto for a Sadist is to avoid legal troubles rather than anything else though. You’d be surprised how many things that are really so much fun are sooooo illegal in so many places (mostly sex in public, I’m not sure that’s legal anywhere). So conversely for a masochist the main reason is to avoid medical problems. It is similarly surprising how easy it is to develop a chronic injury!

So with that out of the way, being by and far the main erogenous area on the male body there’s a lot of things you can do to the penis that are pleasurable. And even more that are painful. The line between the two is thin, and crossing and re-crossing that line leads to unique pleasures that those who try can never walk back from. Some of these will also work with a clitoris, even though the opposite is not as often true, but I’m not going to point them out so just think about it for yourself. Well to me the penis is an amusing thing. Just the erection in the first place really, and it only gets better after that. I will assume that those of you reading this know a few things about the penis, like erections and ejaculations. I would like to point out for those that don’t know, or at least don’t know the terms, that both urine and semen come out of the urethra which basically runs through the center of the penis. If you’re not familiar with the urethra take this opportunity to look at a diagram. I would also like to say that even though there are methods of pleasuring and/or torturing the urethra by inserting things into it that they are condemned by medical professionals even more strongly than anal insertion is, so I will not make such suggestions and would like to caution you against attempting to do so. Women happen to have a urethra as well in case you didn’t know, again consult a diagram or something, and I would like to point out that it is no more recommended to mess with than the male one.

Now to methods. The most effective method of stimulating the penis is with motion to create friction. Conversely the most effective means of torturing the penis, without lasting injury, is with pressure and restriction.  So the most basic sexual torture of the penis is to bind it in order to restrict ejaculation. Now what this is actually doing is squeezing the urethra shut, so you do not want to do it excessively lest you cause problems. But odds are good that a man does this to himself on a regular temporary basis in order to stop or alter the flow of urine. Messing around while peeing is why you always see urine all over the toilet in case you didn’t know. So if they’re going to mess around themselves then you might as well do it to them. In moderation. They sell various types of dedicated “cock rings” for this purpose, both fixed and adjustable. Some are really just glorified tourniquets and if you feel like it you can also just tie the dick up with any sort of likely binding. I would recommend a cock ring with an adjustable fastener because I have heard some pretty damn funny stories about fixed cock rings. Mostly that guys couldn’t get them off and had to go to the emergency room. Do you really want to be a part of such a story? So saying an appropriately sized solid ring is much more restrictive than a tie or fastener of other sorts. Some people do use them to maintain an erection, or rather to restrict the out-flow of blood, more than to restrict ejaculation. In any case serious torture of the penis often starts with a cock ring. Good thing that all your options here are cheap and widely available.

Now as with all other facets of BDSm there are numerous “household objects” and even foods that you can employ against the penis. I’m here to tell you that most of them are a bad idea. Slapping a penis with a magazine or hair brush or something like that is ok, hitting it with a hammer or employing some sort of sharp edged object on the other hand is not the greatest idea. Remember: be safe. One thing you might have that’s pretty popular are some sort of clips or clamps, like a clothes pin. OK I was just thinking of those to be honest, but you can also use those little office clips and certain clothes hangers and things of that sort. Just clip those things all over the penis. I think most people have experienced having one of those clamped onto their skin, but just imagine having (or putting) perhaps 10-30 (depends on all sizes involved) of those on the penis. Typically the penis will be too big and the clip too small to get it all the way around the penis and so it is not an effective restricting tool. But if it can work for you then go for it. Again watch the urethra. Well I do happen to know that they manufacture clamps specifically for sex acts, but it is debatable how much better, both efficacy and sanitation wise, these are than generic products like you might already own. The one advantage can be the variance in size and shape or sometimes you’ll find ones that specify a certain amount of pressure as well. So if you’re out buying the cock ring/fastener and see some likely clamps then go to town, they’re not that expensive either. Now another item is adhesive tape. You want to be careful how strong of an adhesive you use for various reasons, mostly that you don’t want to rip or skin or leave much residue, but some people are actually allergic to them as well. Basic clear or masking tapes or especially medical tapes are probably fair bets. Electrical, athletic, and duct tapes on the other hand might not be.

Now of course they sell various types of vibrators aimed specifically at men and their penis. For the most part you can use a lot of mundane vibrators on the penis as well in various ways. But the real mens specialty items are ones made to encompass the penis. Whether it’s a basic sleeve, some sort of “name brand” product like the “fleshlight”, or an encompassing vibrating unit, distinctive penile products are out there. Frankly you can bootleg these sort of items with any kind of vibrating devices you have  (including certain cell phones with a constant vibrate) either wrapped or tied or taped  around the penis. Something you might try is stuffing a penis and vibrator(s) into a condom, this has the added potential of containing the mess a bit. You may or may not need to get larger sized condoms for this purpose. An average condom should stretch out quite well (I can’t remember exactly but they can supposedly hold a 1/2 to 2 liters of water) but the bigger the condom the more slack/space you have to shove more stuff into so just experiment. I’d recommend just plain condoms but if your spermicide lubed ones work then use what you’ve got. I seem to recall hearing that for some men the spermicide will get into their urethra and hurt them quite a bit. So there’s another pleasure/pain angle for you if you’re looking for one.

A note about vibrating devices. Contrary to some things you may have seen or heard it is a really bad idea to leave them on/in constantly. That sort of constant extreme stimulation can cause all kinds of physiological problems. Limit yourself to 2 hours at a time at the most. Half an hour is probably more reasonable. Under no circumstances leave someone bound up and hooked up for a day or more unattended. Hell they could even die of dehydration from sweating out in the worst of cases.

Which brings me to temperature changes. Be careful that you don’t actually freeze or burn the skin, which means limited contact for brief periods of time. If you’ve got different types (one hot and one cold) of rotating fans you might position them on opposite sides of the penis at an appropriate distance for a unique experience.

Alright well I’m getting bored of this so moving on, something I’ve always been interested in trying, but have never had the opportunity to, is “prostate milking”. In fact I’m not even sure that it’s really possible, it’s just something I read about. It might technically be less penile torture than anal play but that’s splitting hairs. Just look it up if you’re bored, and go slow.

So if you wanted to take all of these suggestions at one, you’d wind up with some clamps on the scrotum (I’m suggesting that now, watch out for the testicles and tubes), the penis tied somehow at the base, covered in alternating vibrators and clips held in place somehow, being assailed by hot and cold wind. Tie the bastard up on all fours to something (chair, stool, war chest, exercise ball, bench, whatever) with a butt plug/balloon holding back a few hundred ml of water and watch them for a couple of hours, throwing in the occasional flogging, and you’ve got yourself a night!

Now I personally am not much of an advocate of weighting, piercing (fish hooks  or barbs anyone?), stripping, burning, and so on because I do not like bodily destruction, and really injuring someone like that can get you in a lot of trouble even if you aren’t breaking any laws. But if you are into those things I would recommend the appropriate professional consultation in order to keep things in working order.

You know, you kids are pretty lucky. Back in the day the only likely things around were clothes pins and mouse traps. Making a man roll around on a floor covered with mouse traps still has a certain appeal to it I suppose… But in any case now there are all kinds of options.

To reveal my personal tastes, BDSm involving men on the bottom is all about anal penetration. Get a good old “4 poster” bed and lay them on their backs, with their legs tied wide apart, asshole spread open, handcuff their hands, and hit them with the old in and out. Adding a hard synthetic cock ring to bottle up their ejaculate is just the final touch. Don’t forget a gag and/or gimp mask in case you tire of their cries. Conversely what I’ve just described is probably illegal in over 90% of the world, 99% if you’re a man doing it to another man.

Remember my words children: not everyone can be beautiful even if they want to, but anyone can be obscene even if they don’t try.

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