私はもうお仕舞いです。 I should have just copied that phrase instead of trying to guess at the kanji.
I’m finished, all of my senses (it’s not a lot of fun to lose your balance and sense of where your limbs are at my age) are fading on a weekly basis so I’m sure that I’m approaching the end. The strangest thing is that everything looks foggy recently even though I’m inside. Of course the humidity is significant at this time of year, but it’s been like that my whole life and things never appeared this way, so I don’t think that’s it. The most annoying thing is that the ringing in my ears has worsened considerably, sometimes rising to the point of distraction even when there’s ample background noise.
I’ve lived an ironic life in which I thought I’d never make it to the end of the year every single year. However, this year I’ve wondered if I’d make it to the end of every month. It’s getting to be a little more than I can take honestly, slowly but perceivably losing my grasp of things as the pain gets gradually worse. I guess the one mixed blessing about losing my senses is that even my sense of pain is dimming, otherwise I don’t think I could bear it without narcotics.
I have resolutely stayed away from painkillers the past few years since I wanted to have as much clarity as possible while trying to finish up with that which lingered in my life. I don’t know whether there was ultimately any point to that abstinance or not, but I possibly extended my life by the span of this wonky blog so there is that. At this point I don’t think anyone else would begrudge me trying to be comfortable while facing the end, but perhaps I still begrudge myself that dignity.
I find it quite queer, but even though I always thought that I’d be filled with regret over all the things I left unfinished, I find that there’s nothing I care about at all right now. Perhaps it’s just that the part of my mind which worried over such matters has already disappeared, but even if it’s an illusion it’s quite nice to feel at peace even as death approaches.
I always thought that it would be OK to die, and I was quite quick to offer up my life on numerous occasions, but I think that some part of me still thought that my death just might not happen. It’s not that I thought I’d find the immortality of flesh which eluded presumably all others who came before me, rather my thoughts were more along the lines of reliving my life over and over again without ever getting to see the end. Of course I’m still alive so maybe I really will never get to see the one ending that I’m still curious about?
I wish that I had some kind of world shattering final words to impart to anyone that happens to come across this. Instead all I can say is that there isn’t anything dramatic like that in the world, you can pass through so many pairings of words in your life that you need scientific notation to express their number, but the only thing that gives them the power to influence you is your own method of interpretation. So let me just say that in life the only one you’re responsible to is your own self; therefore, you should always choose to act or abstain based upon what you are willing to live with rather than letting any other rules guide you. Of course if you feel like the Ten Commandments are something you agree with for example, then that’s perfect, but if you think that 8 of them are worthless then that’s fine too.
I don’t know whether it will turn out that there really is some kind of divine rule one needed to follow in their life in order to avoid eternal punishment or not. The only concern I’m left with is that no one ever can find out what happens when you die because absolutely nothing, not even the awareness of being dead, will follow one’s lasting physical death.
I will still accept my death no matter what form it takes, or what it might mean besides the end of my life long suffering. One of course hopes there is no such thing as death long suffering, but if there is then at least no matter what happens I can’t be any worse off than I am now.