Even I feel weird lately to bring up the name “satan”. I’m not even really christian. Some would disagree on that one but that’s mostly because I live in a christian country. I think a lot of that is name only but whatever that’s another story. The point is that I feel like I’m tempting something, maybe fate, maybe the devil, maybe nothing, by having the thought “the christian devil is a mere caricature compared to what humans themselves have done”. I guess that even more than I wish that there are no horrors beyond what I have known or heard or seen imagined, I wish that humans aren’t really the worst.

Just think about that for a minute even though it is as bleak as hell. What if there really isn’t anything else? What if we’re it? And we have already done and persist in doing the worst to ourselves with the little time we have. That’s just disgusting. I can’t even muster a cuss word about that.

What brought on these bleak thoughts was the book “The Devil of Nanking” by Mo Hayder, an english woman. I don’t know why the hell I read the book, it’s just one of those things that happened and there’s no going back afterwards. It’s a fiction novel, I’d call it a “thriller” but that’s open to speculation. For the most part it’s a novel that accumulates and builds up various horrible and unspeakable acts to the point that for me personally by the end of the book I couldn’t even muster any shock.

I wouldn’t say that anything about the book is great and probably it’s a fairly obscure title that might even ruin people to read (certainly all kinds of innocence could be destroyed by this book) but once I started reading it just to pass some time I could barely stop until I was through with it. So this is a rare work in which the contents surpass the sum of their parts to draw you in. In other words this is a real story, and that’s pretty rare.

I kind of wish I hadn’t read it. Not as much as I wish that nothing about the book was real from Nanking to World War II to the Holocaust to The People’s Republic of China and myself but that is the way it goes. Stories like this have a steep price, if you’re lucky it’s just peace of mind for a little while but if not they can ruin you for good.

I guess the question the book presents you with is whether or not ignorance is the same as evil. Or perhaps more to the point, whether otherwise inexcusable actions are excusable through ignorance. I suppose I’m as qualified to answer that as anyone, perhaps especially because I’m biased on the matter. But for that same reason I don’t want to answer. That isn’t something I want to think about.

No that’s not it. The real issue is that if I forgive now then I will have absolutely nothing left. So I’ve never even thought about it. I’ve blessedly forgotten so many things and the edge has faded over the years but I’ve never issued total forgiveness. I guess I’m the type of person who might pardon crimes but would refuse to let off a criminal. I know deep down that there are always reasons for things, and that if you’re admitting to a reason then you are accepting an excuse but… I just can’t let it go. Instead all I can hope for is that all the ones who came after me and the ones who never had to experience anything will be left alone. But I don’t think that will happen, instead all I can really hope for is that I won’t have to see it again. Any of it.